undesirable no.1

i’m honestly so fucked up in the head right now that i’m even more anxious than normal. like i can’t figure this out at all.

why our car? why? with the fucking bmw’s and the saab’s and the mercedes’s and cadillac’s and all of the other cars that are worth 6 months apartments rent all around my house. why OUR 2001 white dodge durango that has more dents in it than a monster truck? why? and when?

i didn’t fall asleep until 3am and woke up at 6:30am. 

autumn saw the durango at 1:30am.

i just don’t feel safe in this stupid fucking town anymore. it’s so disgusting. we’re supposed to have the “nicest part of town” and the “quietest part of town” ..yeah, maybe twenty years ago. what happened to the “neighborhood watch” and the police surveillance? where did all of that go?

between my neighbors car getting stolen last winter and now this..

and when my house was broken into while i was sleeping and the only person home.

AND THE FACT THAT THE DURANGO HAS ALL AIR FORCE DECALS EVERYWHERE! ON BOTH THE DRIVER AND PASSENGER DOORS. ON THE LICENSE PLATES. IN THE CAR. ON THE TRUNK. AND THEY DECIDE TO TAKE IT ON MEMORIAL DAY?! 
they ruined this day that we have pride to say my baby brother is serving our country.

all of the irreplaceable items. anthony’s cigar. his prep id. his emauss cross. his gold medal from racing. mine and his graduations tassels. all of the mix cds from different points in our lives.

that durango was my sibling. literally me and anthony always said that it was a sibling. it wasn’t just an suv. it’s not fair.

and the fact that the cop told us that only south kearny has the radar to read plates, and the rest of kearny doesn’t meanwhile newark, belleville, jersey city, north arlington and lyndhurst have it. WHY SOUTH KEARNY? THERE’S NOTHING IN SOUTH KEARNY. NO ONE LIVES THERE. IT’S ABANDONED FACTORIES AND THE FUCKING POSTAL SERVICE SORTING CENTER AND TRUCKING COMPANIES.

i’m so infuriated and disgusted and heart broken.

i’ve been wanting to set up cameras in the house for a while now because i want evidence of how horrible this neighborhood is now compared to when we moved here twenty years ago. this gives me even more incentive to do so. the fact that OUR CAR WAS TAKEN, CLEAN AS FUCK BREAK IN. no glass anywhere. no tire marks. no gas leak. nothing. it’s spotless where the fucking durango was.

i fucking can’t take this. i hate this fucking town. i fucking hate the scum bags that took our car. i hate the fucking dirty ass fucking pieces of shit that come in from newark and turn this town into a horrible place.

there was never such a high crime rate in kearny and harrison until about five years ago.

and now because of chris christie closing down seven schools in newark and we’re getting more disgusting trash here, it’s getting even worse.

i don’t feel safe in my own town anymore. i don’t feel safe on my own block anymore.

i can’t take this.

GIVE US BACK THE DURANGO YOU FUCKING SCUM BAG FUCKING ASSHOLE.

dskfjdsklfjks i’m no longer halfway between a DD and an E.. i’m now halfway between a D and a DD. i need to get my boobs done asap now so i can stay at pornstar boobs. i’m so heartbroken that i might start gaining weight again to get more boobs. even though boobs on a fat girl don’t count. skdfjldskfj i’ve NEVER LOST BOOBS BEFORE! I’VE ALWAYS GAINED BOOBS NO MATTER HOW MUCH WEIGHT I LOST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! dsjfklsdfjlksjflksdjflsdkjflkdsjflksdjfl literally going to cry over this.

six margaritas in. i think i need to eat something, so i can go eat lunch with my sister-in-law-to-be at 12. fkljsdlkfjsdlkfjdslkfj. this means i have to wake up around 10:30 to wake up. fuck my life. kldsfjsdklfjsdklfjdsklfjsdklfjsdlkfjsd

i’m shy. deal with it.

there’s a lot going on with me. there’s a lot to me. i’m not an easy person.

you can’t just talk to me a few days and think you have me figured out. i have a bunch of personalities and moods.

i’ve been fucked up so many times in my past by people i’ve dated and by friends, that it takes a REALLY long time for me to open up to new people.

this is why i barely have friends now.

i don’t even tell my best friends half of the shit going on with me.

i have a hard time opening up. i have a hard time talking. i have a hard time with a lot of stuff.

the last girl that i was “involved” with .. was totally fucked up. and we talked for over a year and never met through all of it. and for some reason i tried rekindling it recently, only to get hurt again. because that’s what i do.

i don’t take compliments well. so don’t try buttering me up by calling me “cute names” ..they sometimes annoy me more than flatter me. and it’s not that i don’t see much in myself.. it’s just weird for me. i’m not used to it. i don’t think i’ll ever get used to it. i’m a closed off person. and when it comes to relationships, i’m more like a guy half of a time. not giving a fuck.

i don’t put a lot into “anniversaries” because..well.. anniversary = celebration of a year. so if we’re doing whatever for a month, don’t say it’s our one month anniversary. literally doesn’t make any sense. i’m down for like 6 month and one year things. but i don’t put much thought into all of the other months. i usually forget during the year.

i’m a hopeless romantic when i find a person i care about. well, no. i’m a hopeless romantic with a lot of people. even my friends. i like to treat people in my life good. i like treating people to dinner or coffee or little presents here or there. but when i have a girl, i get really sentimental and i like to do random things for her.

but it takes me a really long time to like someone now. i can’t talk to you for a few days or a few weeks and figure it out. it takes a long time.

and i can’t do a long distance thing with someone i haven’t met first. so if i’m texting you and you live in another state, i’m sorry but we’re most likely never going to be something. 

i don’t trust just everyone. i can’t trust that we met because of this so you won’t meet someone because of that. or whatever. if you live far, i’m gonna be sketchy all of the time and questioning everything. i have to know you, really know you, and seriously trust you to be able to deal with that shit.

there’s so much mroe that i want to try saying right now, and i don’t want this to sound fucked up or bitchy or anything. i just need to get this out to the girls that talk to me. 

i know i keep complaining on here that i want a girl. but i don’t. i really just want a friend. i want someone also who lives close by. someone who i can hang out with. that’s really all it is. but i can’t seem to find anyone close enough.

i find all of these awesome ass girls from everywhere else in the u.s. but none from my area. it blows. but that’s life.

ugh. i don’t even know what else to say right now.